becoming a self in history, becoming a self in my street
Kevin Murray
When I was in my early 20's I'd just moved from my home town into
Edinburgh. I'd moved away from a bad situation with no choices and lots of negative history into the big
city. I was still a bit withdrawn and caught up in my problems, not really sure what I wanted to do
or who I wanted to be. I'm not even sure i was aware I could choose to change. I found myself in
a community art cafe called "The Forest Cafe" in the grassmarket, and it happened to be my
birthday. I was playing a game of chess with this old chap called Jack. He asked me what I'd been doing
that day and I told him it was my birthday. Out of nowhere this guy my age called Blue (his real name
was Stuart) appeared and asked me "is it really your birthday today?". I told him it was and
he proceeded to do some weird magic tricks for me using string and bits of paper, and cups. Just sort of
clown magic, but it was honest and really special. He was volunteering at the cafe and brought me
some free cake with a single lit match as a joke candle. We struck up a very quick and effortless
friendship. Over the next week we shared quite a few rather deep conversations about life, and what it
meant to be a young man at this point in history etc. I told him about my problems and why I'd left my
home town.
A few weeks later he invited me to his cottage in the borders. I stayed for a
weekend and when I left I really was a changed person. At no point during the visit did he say he was
going to present me with situations where I would be allowed to experience another life, or ever offer to show
me how to change. We just did playful fun things that gave me the opportunity to explore and change
myself, even just for an hour or so. He taught me to play bongo drums and we made a fire in the woods
and played together for a few hours. He loaned me some of his weird hippy clothes so we could do work
in his garden and also forage for food. We went hunting with bows and arrows and chose
"hunter" names for each other, even painting our faces. Most of it was silly childish stuff, or it
seemed so at the time. What I know now was he was giving me the space and permission to be new
people for a while. I remember very clearly how fresh and new the sensation was of being presented
with an activity, and having the choice to create or play a new part of myself inside it. I have always
been a very stubborn person, but because it was all fun and games I didn't resist.
I went home after
a few days with new skills, a terrible new haircut and a mind full of possibilities. I remained friends with
him for a year or so, and then we drifted apart but I will always be grateful that he took the time to help me
grow.